Hmmm - just wondering about the 'tearing flesh' and the 'shit' expletive, and how that sits with the age of the girl doing the imagining; personally, I don't think it's an issue if the age/design of the girl is in-synch with this rough and readier persona; also, I think it's too long, Julia - I think you could 'express-train' the first sequence a bit more and get to the arrival of the zombie more immediately; just look for opportunities to condense and accelerate your action.
Ah yeah I got carried away with that part. And yeah, I was really into it at the start but after the second hour I just seemed to hurry it up towards the end, I'll look into it and refine it a bit more. Thanks! :)