Notes: I'll do these in chunks and publish them as separate comments as I go...
1) Some of the most effective scenes in your film are when we see the red line moving through the environments. At the moment, you’re not establishing the ‘reason’ for the red line – it just appears as an element. My suggestion is that the red line begins the film – that we see it even before we see the ‘3 months old’ words – you’ll note that the red line enters the photo scene left to right – so I think we need to see the red line move across the screen, under the 3 months old and then go off right – which will ‘join’ the next scene more seamlessly. This sense of the red line ‘joining’ the various bits together could be improved throughout I think – for example, after the red line is seen to exit right from the ‘nan and granddad image’ we then cut to the mother’s photograph, but see that the red line is already behind the photo, when logically, we’re expecting to see that red line making a sort of interrupted journey through the various environments? I think you need to look very closely at the 'flow' of your film and how the red line can be used to draw all the bits together - for example, are there opportunities to include the '3D' red line as a part of the shots of the 3D objects? The audience might think... "where has the red line gone?"
2) The 'introduction' of Big Red Hand Print doesn't work - I'd suggest each word of the title needs to appear as we hear the narrator say them (we should see the red line too running beneath it too) and it should just fade to white without 'zooming' away into the distance. I think you need to make a decision re. any kind of conspicuous post-produced transition or effect - anything like this is jarring in the 'hand-made' world of your film, so just be a bit more sensitive to the tone/DNA of your film.
3) so... the cross dissolve from the red line down the stairs into the radio doesn't work for the same reason - that red line of yours needs to lead us to the radio and move around it, joining one scene to the next - you have to keep that continuous flow - and it means rendering out a camera movement so it moves around the radio in a true 3D sense - I think the red line should continue as the roto-staircase fades to nothing - we continue to follow the red line and the radio moves towards us spatially (having first faded up from white, as if appearing out of the distance) and then the red line circles it and all the time we're hearing the music from it get louder etc - so the red line is like our constant guide through the white space of the narrator's memories... I could repeat myself here re. all the other ways in which you introduce your 3D objects, but I'm hoping from this bit of advice you can resolve a strategy for other moments in your animation.
4) The 'apple pie' doesn't look like anything really - it's just a brown wedge - I think you need to revisit this model and think about it more in terms of your approach to the trifle etc. You had some much better/nicer original drawings of that pie I seem to remember...
5) I suggest you desaturate the giraffe and hawk scenes - to make them less vibrant and more evocative of memory - they seem strong and bold in a way much else of your world is sketchy and less realised.
6) I don't like the glitchiness of the transition between the 'sad' photo and the 'happy' photo at the end - I advise you to keep the camera still and just allow the expression to change so that the most part of the image is locked. It looks too fidgety like this at the moment.
7) You need to put the red line back into your animation during these end scenes - it disappears as a concept totally - at the end, I imagine how it could be the last thing we're watching as the music fades - oh, and give your film more breathing space at the end in terms of white space and allowing the music to fade out less abruptly.
8) (and this isn't in order) - personally, I'd rethink the text '3 months old' at the beginning of the film - do you need it? It's a confusion in terms of the title for your film and I think it would be okay if we were just listening and seeing the intro of the red line.
Finally - there is something a bit slapdash and glitchy about the way you're slamming some of these scenes together. The prime message of this feedback is simply for you to embrace the sensitivity of your story and the visual metaphor of the 'unravelling ribbon' and *really* use it as a storytelling device. More care, more precision and a bit more evidence that you're controlling what we're seeing. The way in which you polish and finesse this film is going to communicate to your assessors just how well you understand your own visual concept and the world of your film - stay focused, stay choosy and don't settle for 'just getting it done'. You've got the time to iron out the wrinkles here and lend greater sophistication to our experience of your film. Push for perfection please - and do not rest until you've trouble-shot this film 100%
Notes: I'll do these in chunks and publish them as separate comments as I go...
ReplyDelete1) Some of the most effective scenes in your film are when we see the red line moving through the environments. At the moment, you’re not establishing the ‘reason’ for the red line – it just appears as an element. My suggestion is that the red line begins the film – that we see it even before we see the ‘3 months old’ words – you’ll note that the red line enters the photo scene left to right – so I think we need to see the red line move across the screen, under the 3 months old and then go off right – which will ‘join’ the next scene more seamlessly. This sense of the red line ‘joining’ the various bits together could be improved throughout I think – for example, after the red line is seen to exit right from the ‘nan and granddad image’ we then cut to the mother’s photograph, but see that the red line is already behind the photo, when logically, we’re expecting to see that red line making a sort of interrupted journey through the various environments? I think you need to look very closely at the 'flow' of your film and how the red line can be used to draw all the bits together - for example, are there opportunities to include the '3D' red line as a part of the shots of the 3D objects? The audience might think... "where has the red line gone?"
2) The 'introduction' of Big Red Hand Print doesn't work - I'd suggest each word of the title needs to appear as we hear the narrator say them (we should see the red line too running beneath it too) and it should just fade to white without 'zooming' away into the distance. I think you need to make a decision re. any kind of conspicuous post-produced transition or effect - anything like this is jarring in the 'hand-made' world of your film, so just be a bit more sensitive to the tone/DNA of your film.
ReplyDelete3) so... the cross dissolve from the red line down the stairs into the radio doesn't work for the same reason - that red line of yours needs to lead us to the radio and move around it, joining one scene to the next - you have to keep that continuous flow - and it means rendering out a camera movement so it moves around the radio in a true 3D sense - I think the red line should continue as the roto-staircase fades to nothing - we continue to follow the red line and the radio moves towards us spatially (having first faded up from white, as if appearing out of the distance) and then the red line circles it and all the time we're hearing the music from it get louder etc - so the red line is like our constant guide through the white space of the narrator's memories... I could repeat myself here re. all the other ways in which you introduce your 3D objects, but I'm hoping from this bit of advice you can resolve a strategy for other moments in your animation.
ReplyDelete4) The 'apple pie' doesn't look like anything really - it's just a brown wedge - I think you need to revisit this model and think about it more in terms of your approach to the trifle etc. You had some much better/nicer original drawings of that pie I seem to remember...
ReplyDelete5) I suggest you desaturate the giraffe and hawk scenes - to make them less vibrant and more evocative of memory - they seem strong and bold in a way much else of your world is sketchy and less realised.
ReplyDelete6) I don't like the glitchiness of the transition between the 'sad' photo and the 'happy' photo at the end - I advise you to keep the camera still and just allow the expression to change so that the most part of the image is locked. It looks too fidgety like this at the moment.
7) You need to put the red line back into your animation during these end scenes - it disappears as a concept totally - at the end, I imagine how it could be the last thing we're watching as the music fades - oh, and give your film more breathing space at the end in terms of white space and allowing the music to fade out less abruptly.
8) (and this isn't in order) - personally, I'd rethink the text '3 months old' at the beginning of the film - do you need it? It's a confusion in terms of the title for your film and I think it would be okay if we were just listening and seeing the intro of the red line.
Finally - there is something a bit slapdash and glitchy about the way you're slamming some of these scenes together. The prime message of this feedback is simply for you to embrace the sensitivity of your story and the visual metaphor of the 'unravelling ribbon' and *really* use it as a storytelling device. More care, more precision and a bit more evidence that you're controlling what we're seeing. The way in which you polish and finesse this film is going to communicate to your assessors just how well you understand your own visual concept and the world of your film - stay focused, stay choosy and don't settle for 'just getting it done'. You've got the time to iron out the wrinkles here and lend greater sophistication to our experience of your film. Push for perfection please - and do not rest until you've trouble-shot this film 100%